Blather

Current iTunes Track - Minnie Driver - Lakewater Hair

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 18:26:35 -0600

I want to make a clarification regarding last night’s post. This is not a retraction, I stand by everything that I said, because it was the way I felt in that moment. However, I don’t want you to think that I spend my time sitting around pining, wailing and gnashing my teeth lamenting the fact that I am single. I don’t.

For the most part I am fine being single. There are a lot of positives to being single. The freedom, mainly. The ability to do what you want, when you want without needing to answer to anyone. But the downside is that sometimes you get lonely. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone with you.

For example: my neck is stiff, it has been stiff for a week. It would be nice to have a boyfriend to massage it for me. Of course, having a boyfriend is no guarantee that he would massage it anyway.

My main point is that I have a hard time connecting with people. I’m not going to go into a whole diatribe about alienation. T.S. Eliot already did it way better than I ever could.

I just wanted to clarify.

Current iTunes Track - A Fine Frenzy - Borrowed Time

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:45:38 -0600

I’m sitting in the closet, do you ever do that? You look around at all of the stuff that has accumulated; a stack of sweaters, some patterned sheets, a pair of shoes that look great, but pinch your feet. There’s a classical guitar with two broken strings, there’s a pair of roller-blades, an old Super Nintendo, up there on the top shelf is a decorative urn from when you went through that neo-classical period in the late 90’s. A box of porn. An old cassette tape. A cat carrier. Some cedar blocks. A light-bulb.

I’m in a depression. I wonder, sometimes, what is wrong with me? You see all the happy people, going about their lives, having their relationships, being average, and happy. You think, why can’t I have that? But you also wonder, do they actually have it? Or are they better at pretending? Or not questioning? Or lying to themselves.

Do you feel like an outsider? Like the world is there and you can only observe it? That you can’t truly be part of it? That you don’t know how? Is it a problem of belief? Everyone believes in something. Love, God, something beyond all this.

I sometimes wonder if love is a chemical imbalance. Or maybe the desire for it is the imbalance.

What do I believe in? I believe in logic, which is a cold thing to believe in. I believe in grammar, but that won’t help you through the rough patches. I wish I could just blindly believe in the God that I was raised with, but I can’t. It doesn’t make sense to me. I believe that Jesus was a nice guy with some truly worthwhile things to teach the human race, the most important of which tend to get either ignored or subverted. I don’t believe he was divine though. I wish I could, that would be easier.

I haven’t had sex in 6 years. I haven’t been on a date in 7. Yes, I listed that in the right order. I was tired of dating. Tired of games. Tired of trying to get to know the real person under the mask they wear when you first start going out with them. Frequently their real face bears no resemblance to the one they put on to meet you.

Then I got tired of just fucking. Casual one nighters. Gropes in the dark. Morning regrets. I decided, no more sex until I really mean it. No sex without a feeling, a connection. And there hasn’t been any.

I don’t think that that is the truly important thing though. Honestly, I’d rather have a really good long kiss than a blowjob at this point. What I want is a connection with someone.

I’m whining, though. I can count my blessings. I have a good job, that I don’t hate, where I am treated with trust and respect, where my opinion matters. I make a good living, I have a great apartment. I have a small number of friends, but they are good ones. The kind you would go way out on a limb for, and while you can never truly know the deep contents of someone else’s heart, I believe they would do the same for me. I have a dog that I love, and food on the table. I have legs to walk with, and an ass to sit on, and lungs with which to breathe.

But I still feel like something is missing. Like I am outside looking in. I can see the people, but I can’t get to them. Or maybe I can, but I don’t know how.

This is a depression.

Current iTunes Track - Happy Rhodes - The Wretches Gone Awry

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 10:07:16 -0600

The great website migration seems to be proceeding apace. The DNS changes seem to have finally propagated, my e-mail is working again (that actually went first) and all seems well. Yay.

I am sleepy and tired of the heat. I am ready for September to come and the weather to cool down. I just hate summer.

Today will be very exciting. I need to cut my hair and give the dog a bath, and then I shall make tacos for dinner. Mmm, tacos.

Jealous?

Current iTunes Track - Happy Rhodes - Many Worlds Are Born Tonight

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 10:52:26 -0600

There is a makeover in progress, in case you didn’t notice.

Today is the 9th anniversary of the release of Many Worlds Are Born Tonight by Happy Rhodes. She still hasn’t released a follow-up, which makes me sad. She has a new album ready, but she doesn’t have the money to master it. The music industry sucks. This album, and many of her others are still available either at CD Baby or Happy’s website Auntie Social Music I would recommend you pick yourself up a copy, you won’t be sorry.

So I am going to try to pull the archives over from the old blog, we’ll see if I can, or if anyone even cares.